Her 2nd wedding, my 1st. I want to keep it small but she wants something more.?
Me and my girlfriend have been dating 5 years now and we’re looking into getting married in the next few months. No date has been set but we’re looking at some time in June. Why? Because I’m trying to keep it small and cost effecient. This is my first wedding and I really don’t have a lot of money to do the whole big wedding thing. This is my girl’s second wedding. Her first one was the princess type. Long flowing white dress, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flowergirls, etc. That’s great for a girl’s first wedding because that’s what she wants.
With the economy the way it is I just don’t see spending a bunch of money for a 30 – 45 minute ceremony.
My plans go a little like this. I’m 39. We keep it small and quaint. Only invite family and a few friends. The ceremony will be at our church where we’re both members. There will be no invitations because since we’re only inviting friends and family we can do that by word of mouth. Ok, I’ll have my brother as best man and my girl will have her sister as the maid of honor. No, flower girls, ring bearers or anything like that. We don’t need anyone singing or reading poems and the wedding march can be played on a CD through the church’s sound system. As far as the reception I’m thinking we could either do a cookout at our house for everyone afterwards because I really don’t mind cooking food over a grill and having everyone sit around and talk and share some laughs. Or we pick a restaurant and let everyone know where we’re going and if they wanna come they are more than welcomed but they are responsible for their own food. This would take the place of presents since we’ve been living together going on 4+ years and we already have everything. A honeymoon can come later when we save up some money to go away for a weekend or so. Even the attire can be scaled down. We don’t need to decorate the church, rent tuxs or get a wedding dress. My girl has a lot of nice dresses and I’ve got quite a few suits.
NOW, my girl, who’s 38, has a slightly different idea in mind. Again, this is her second marriage. The minute we started discussing marriage she got all excited. Several people have already volunteered to be her wedding coordinator and I’ve had to tell her we don’t need that because we’re not doing some major production. We know what we want to do. She wants to look at wedding dresses and things like that and has already asked a question here as to what kind of dress she should buy. She wants to get her hair and nails done, which I don’t mind but we’re trying to cut costs here. Last night she came home with a worried look on her face saying that she’s gonna feel bad by not asking her best friend to be in her wedding. I told her this isn’t about their feelings. It’s about our pockets. Because if she adds this girl then she’s gonna want to add that girl and before you know it she’ll have 4 or 5 girls wanting to be in the wedding and she’s not one to tell anyone no. She wants our church minister of music to play during the wedding and I told her we can scale back there too because he’s gonna want to be paid. Again, download a nice version of the wedding march and play it on a CD in the church’s sound system. One of her sons asked her last night about the honeymoon and how he wanted to go. She’s got 2 from her previous marriage and I have a daughter from a previous relationship. I told him we’re not going on a honeymoon and she looked at me all shocked and surprised. We just don’t have the money. That’s why I told her we would go somewhere later when we could afford it.
Granted, any girl getting married for the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time is gonna be excited but at what point do you get your head out of the clouds and start thinking "this wedding isn’t about what I want but what can I afford." I don’t want this to turn into some major affair that we can’t afford but I think we can get married without all the ruffles and lace of most weddings.
Am I being too frugal or should I give a little to my girl’s ideas?
Again, money is an issue here. Her job is shutting down her division in May and she’s gonna be without a job soon. I’m already unemployed but will be going back to work on a part time basis soon.
A few friends of ours met downtown at the magistrates office during their lunch time and got married. They’ve been happily married several years now and are expecting their 2nd child. So I think my plans are consideriably nicer than that.
How do I get her to get her head out of the clouds and back to reality. Money is tight and we can’t put every one in the wedding nor can we afford to go to the Bahamas or even the beach for a week after the wedding.
And for those who ask, yes, I’ve told her this and we’ve talked about it but it doesn’t take but one friend of hers to want to either be in the wedding or just help her out and we’re back to square one, again.
I totally agree with you. It seems your girl for 38 years old doesn’t have a sense of your financial situation or hers. She seems a bit immature and I get the feeling its more about the party then the marriage. This may be a big hint for you to take as to why her previous marriage failed. You need to have a serious talk and understanding. You also mentioned her job will be gone. Are you planning on picking up all of her outstanding bills and supporting her with your income only? You will be married you realize? If you are both in a position with little money and no money for a honeymoon and her without a job soon, seems like your marriage is headed for disaster before it even happens. You really need to think this through.
That was such a long decrpition i didnt read it all so sorry if this is wrong lol but weddings are really important to a woman because they get to have it how they want and look beautiful and everything so and men dont really bother about all that so you should really let her have what she wants and make her happy:):D:P
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well every girl dreams of being a princess
but since she has already had that
it comes across as she just wants to be the centre of attention, GRAND style
nothing wrong in that, BUT, you cannot afford that and this is where the problem is, she should be on the same page as you, and she isnt, she is wanting something you cannot afford, this mentality is something that would worry me deeply, if its for a wedding this time, what next? she should support you, and listen to you, and you should BOTH comprimise
she should have a new dress, and why not have a party afterwards, for everyone to come and celebrate, it neednt cost a lot, and that way you get to share your special day
marriage is about comprimise and working together, you2 havent managed this so far and you are not even at the alter yet
you need to talk, and resolve before you go any further
good luck
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I didn’t read it completely either but it comes down to this. If you aren’t ready to give your wife the wedding she wants and you can’t negotiate a mutually acceptable compromise, why are you getting married?
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WOW lots of detail. Ok so you want it small and quaint and she wants it big and flashy. Have her sit down. Write a FULL budget on everything she wants to do. Then see where you can cut things and ask her if she really thinks it is necessary. Alot of people want a big wedding until they see the full expense. The same goes with me. I wanted a big wedding at a winery in CA. Until I saw the total price tag at 35,000. So we have scaled back and we are spending 6,000. on a smaller wedding and hoping to have some left towards a nice honeymoon and a down on a house.
In the long run the wedding is to celebrate your love. She just wants to show it off. She wants to feel like a princess again. You however want it more intimate and show her that you love her and you don’t feel it is necessary to show it the way she wants to. Neither of you are wrong. But you don’t want unnecssary arguments. You will both have to find a happy medium for this. Set a budget and stick to it.
Good luck!
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I totally agree with you. It seems your girl for 38 years old doesn’t have a sense of your financial situation or hers. She seems a bit immature and I get the feeling its more about the party then the marriage. This may be a big hint for you to take as to why her previous marriage failed. You need to have a serious talk and understanding. You also mentioned her job will be gone. Are you planning on picking up all of her outstanding bills and supporting her with your income only? You will be married you realize? If you are both in a position with little money and no money for a honeymoon and her without a job soon, seems like your marriage is headed for disaster before it even happens. You really need to think this through.
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I would sit her down and say that while you understand how important the day is, and how she wants to look and feel beautiful, that starting off your marriage with a lot of debt, especially in these uncertain times, isn’t the best idea. Then offer to pay for her and 4 or 5 of her girlfriends to have a night out before the wedding, and for her to buy a new (simple) dress, and get her hair and makeup done. That would be a lot less than a full wedding, and still get her most of what she wants.
Then arrange a bed and breakfast weekend for the honeymoon, with assurances that you will both start saving for a week away on your 5th anniversary.
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I have to agree with your fiancee somewhat on this. The things she’s describing she wants are not extravagant, but things I’ve seen at the most basic weddings. If you want to keep it simpler than that, then don’t have the wedding at the church and just invite your immediate family members and best friends to witness you getting married. However, if you’re having a wedding at a church and inviting more than 10 or 15 people, people are going to expect to receive actual invitations, to see the bride dressed up nicely, and to be fed food that they don’t have to eat with their hands (since they will be dressed up to go to the church).
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Compromise is the key here. You talk about your plans as if she shouldn’t have any plans/ideas. Just because it’s her second marriage doesn’t make her wrong for wanting what she wants. You two do need to sit down and come to a decision about how you BOTH what the wedding to go and then come to a middle ground where both of you agree on it. In the end though, all that matters is the marriage and how you both will make that work.
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well, I see her dreams. But, i also see how you both are financially strapped at the moment. Let her get her dress. and just get a few nice decorations for the church. Maybe you music pastor would give you his services as a gift if you explain the situation. I’m sure you can come to a good compromise.
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To be honest I think you are asking her to cut too much out of the wedding. I understand that you are financially strapped, but is it that bad why not wait a little while. I mean you have been together for 5 years what is 6 more months? I understand wanting to cut costs and I agree you don’t need to have an organist or rent tuxes. I personally think she should get a new dress, whether it is a wedding dress or a simple dress you want something new and special for your wedding day.
Finally, it is extremely tacky to go to a restaurant and ask your guests to pay for their own meal. They are guests and it is your responsibility to take care of them. This is a wedding and not a birthday. I can also understand where she is coming with not wanting a bbq. While you are trying to be frugal you are also forgetting that this is your wedding. This is the most important day of your new lives together and I can understand where she doesn’t want to celebrate it in her backyard where you spend every Saturday. I would look at Halls or Community Centers they are usually much more reasonable.
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